Tragic Hope
by Heki564
Summary: Without Ichigo, what's there to live for? Shonen-ai, Character death. Rated for Death and Language.


**A/N: So I know I have like fifty bazillon other stories to update, but this one got stuck in my head but it's a one-shot and I figured it would only be about two pages so I started it... And then reached two pages, but it kept going... and going... and going... And now it's seven and a half pages and 4,400 ish words. But oh wells. **

**WARNING: Sadness and Shonen-Ai**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach!**

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><p>It was a rainy November evening when I finally worked up the courage to visit his grave. The leaves in the trees surrounding the cemetery had already begun to change and fall. Red, yellow, orange, and brown circled out from the hard trunks of the trees. The air was crisp under the misty rain, and I could see my breath ghost out before me with each exhale.<p>

The cemetery was a small plot of land in the outskirts of the small town. There were maybe a hundred headstones at most, ranging from large statues to small plaques in the ground. Flowers adorned the newer graves, while the older ones were overgrown with vines circling the stone. The overcast sky and the sound of the rain wrapped the area in a blanket of calm, only disturbed by a chirp or two of a bird hiding in the trees from the wet sky outside.

I made my way to the back of the property, holding a plain black umbrella to ward off the mist. I was still in my scrubs from a day at the hospital. I had driven around for hours afterwards, debating whether to come or not. It was a fight I had been having with myself ever since his death, a year ago. It had only been twelve months but it feels like a thousand years since that night; a millennium of anger and pain, guilt and despair, and the raging question of whether to visit or not.

I find the large grey stone in the far eastern corner, all the way in the back. I crouched down, now eye level with the engraved fancy writing. I reach out, fingertips brushing the lines in the shiny, smooth surface. I close my eyes against the tears building up in them. I had told myself long ago that I would stop crying over him. The tears spilt anyway.

_Kurosaki Ichigo, July 15, 1990 – December 13, 2018_

We could hardly have been called the best of friends back in school. We were merely people, working towards the same goal and ended up working together. But the whole problem was that we meant more to the other, and we knew it. We also knew it would be wrong, which happened to be the only flimsy wall separating us from one another. Which, we also knew.

The tension built up from this need and awareness reached its peak our senior year, and as much as I loath to admit it, I was the one to break. We had just finished taking out a bunch of hollows in the park, and we were both exhausted. It was three in the morning; neither of us had bothered to wake up Chad or Orihime. His body laid on the ground, sprawled out between the jungle gym and the swings where he left it upon releasing his shinigami soul.

I watched him phase back into his body, eyes refusing to leave his form no matter how hard I tried to move them. He stretched once he was back in his body, causing his tight band shirt to rise up to show a toned, tan midriff. It was my unfortunate luck that he caught me looking. He smirked knowingly but did nothing else. I don't know whether it was because of that damn smirk or because I was dead tired of pretending, but either way, I calmly walked up to Ichigo and did something we had both been wanting since we teamed up to save Rukia all those years ago. I kissed him.

It started out innocent enough, no tongue, not even an open mouth. When I pulled back I meant to turn around and walk away from it all. I knew if I stayed one more second, I would fall into that pit neither of us could climb out of, and I would pull him down with me. However, he had grabbed my hand as I turned and pulled me back to him. His eyes entranced me into another kiss, and then another, each growing more frantic and needy than the last. Tongue was introduced at some point and before too long we were lying on the ground, clothes off and panting.

It was the start of a rocky, secret relationship. We knew it was wrong, not just because of the whole gay thing people seriously need to learn to get over, but also the fact that he was a shinigami, and I was a quincy. We were supposed to hate each other or at least be bitter rivals. But now we weren't, and we had to make sure it looked like we still were.

It worked, and for a while we were happy. We ended up attending the same med school in the fall while Chad, Orihime, and most of the others went to the community college just outside Karakura. I don't want to sound self-centered, but it was so much easier to be together when they weren't around. I had gotten an apartment close to campus which gave us a place to go and not worry about prying eyes. And this all worked for about three more years.

I don't know what it was that tore us apart, just like I don't know what it was that brought us together. We were in bed after a long day of work on top of fighting a group of hollows. It had been about a week since we had last touched each other for more than a quick peck before leaving the apartment. I was tired, stressed, and maybe a bit pissed at the fact that our love had seemed to dwindle off into nothing. Maybe pissed wasn't the correct word, maybe it was scared.

I feared for the day when he would walk in and say it was over. It would crush me even if I knew it was coming. So I decided to do it first. The weariness of the day caused the words to burst out of my mouth that night. It had surprised both of us, as I was going to wait until morning. I think I had unconsciously known that I wouldn't do it if I waited until we were both awake and running about before we started at the hospital; therefore, my brain decided to give my mouth the push it needed too soon.

I think the worst part of it was that he just agreed, got out of bed, and left. I won't admit it but this once, but I cried once he was gone. I cried for a week once he began avoiding me, and when he switch schools I spent a whole month locked in my apartment, only leaving for my shift at the hospital. I was broken and forgotten. It stung.

After that long month, I pushed my studies first. I worked double shifts whenever I could and spent all my time on homework and studying ahead. I graduated at the top of my class three years later and then I moved back to Karakura. I took up a position at my father's hospital and spent every moment I could there. Orihime had also moved back to her old apartment and we spent some evenings together. She complained about how I changed and would ask me why but I always changed the subject.

Chad had moved overseas with his band. They had gone on a tour through America and fell in love with the country. He sent us postcards and letters and even visited once or twice. He'd usually tag team with Orihime against me, trying to find out how I became even more of a recluse. It was harder to distract Chad but after a while I think he realized I didn't want to talk about it and dropt it.

It was fine, living like that, for roughly two years. But then, he came back. Ichigo had graduated from whatever school he transferred to and moved back in with his dad, taking up a position at his father's hospital. Orihime was ecstatic and tried to set up many dates to hang out 'just like old times' but I never made a point to go to them. I thought I was ready once but as soon as I walked into the park and seen the back of his head by the swings, I got a flashback to our first night together. I turned and fled, tears welling up in my eyes. I had promised myself after the month in which I had locked myself away that I wouldn't cry over him anymore. But I did anyways.

Chad, always the intuitive one, realized what was going on after a year. He showed up at my apartment one night after he had been staying here for a week, and after many failed attempts at getting me to join them on their escapades. He confronted me about my relationship with Ichigo and I caved. I was tired of holding in inside to myself. Chad sat and just listened through my whole monologue in which I confessed that I had loved him and that I most likely still loved him.

Before he left that night he asked me if I had seen Ichigo since he left my apartment all those years ago. When I told him no he replied that I should. He said that he believed Ichigo still loved me as well and if I saw him, I would see so myself. He left for America the next day and didn't come back for another year as his band hit the back burner and he took up classes to become an actor.

I thought about what he said for that whole year but I couldn't bring myself to see Ichigo again. I hate to admit it but I am a coward when it comes to him. It didn't matter anyways because a year after Chad told me he believed Ichigo still loved me, the orange haired man appeared at my door all on his own.

He looked older, and not just because it had been five years since I had last seen him. He had lines of age on his face and a worn out expression, yet he gave me his same smile as I opened the door. I don't know what compelled me to do it, maybe it was the love I still felt for him and/or the prospect that he may still love me back, but I let him in.

We talked for hours, but then he finally said what he came there for. He looked at me with such sad eyes and told me that he missed me. I was ready to fall back into his arms there but then I remembered how the romance had died off and the pain I had gone through for him. I clammed up. He asked if we could go back to the old days and it broke my heart all over again as I told him I didn't think I could. He stormed out of the house without asking why, leaving me alone with two empty tea cups and a shattered heart. And wouldn't you know it, I cried again.

Later that night I felt a hollow's presence and for the first time since my grandfather died, I didn't try to go after it. I felt Ichigo's spiritual pressure go of towards it and decided it was better left to him. After a while, I felt a strange drop in his spiritual pressure as it almost faded out. I ran to the park to find the hollow standing over Ichigo's prone body.

I screamed and through my rage, managed to kill the hollow quicker than usual. I ran to Ichigo and checked him over. He had a large gash across his chest, nearly cutting him in half. He rolled his head and moaned something incoherent and I crouched down beside him. I was going to lift him and carry him to Orihime's house when he stopped me with a hand on my arm.

He smiled and shook his head. He said he knew when he was beat and this was it. I refused and pulled out my cellphone to call Orihime, because I knew I couldn't carry him across town. He told me not to bring her into it because by the time she got there, there would be nothing she could do. I tried to protest but he shushed me, saying he was just glad he could see me one last time.

And then I cried. I cried harder than I had ever before and I kissed him, for the first time in five years. I told him I loved him and he smiled and said it back. I stayed with him while he faded, his head in my lap cradled by my arms. The last thing he told me was to live, and so I did.

I didn't go to his funeral, instead choosing to get drunk alone in my apartment. Chad showed up afterwards though with Orihime, who I'm guessing he clued into what was going on. They held me as I cried and blubbered on in my drunken state and in the morning they supported me as I vomited from the hangover. They stayed until Chad had to go back to America. He had offered to stay longer but I told him I'd be fine. I sent Orihime on her way too but she still stopped in with her weird food concoctions every now and again.

Guilt had kept me away from his funeral back then, and had kept me away from visiting his grave until now. I know it's my fault he's gone. If I hadn't turned him away, he wouldn't have been distracted that night or I wouldn't have stayed in my apartment in fear of confronting him again.

The sun had set while I was lost in my memories yet the rain had grown stronger. It was no longer a peaceful, lazy mist but a cold, angry shower. Yet it was still a quiet calm. I was about to get up when I was stopped by a single smell, lilac. Before I could stop it another memory came over me, this one stronger, vivid and it brought me to my knees.

"_Happy Birthday, Uryuu!" Ichigo smiled up at me from the floor of the kitchen. The surrounding area was covered in flour, eggs, batter, and frosting. Dishes were piled sky high in the sink and the surrounding countertops. The orange haired teen was cleaning up a spilled carton of milk from the floor with paper towels. On the table on the opposite side of the room was a cake covered messily in white frosting. 'Happy Birthday Uryuu' had been written on it in blue shaky capital letters._

_I took in the whole sight before me and busted out laughing. Ichigo gave me a weird look before taking in the sight himself. Chuckling, he stood, grabbed my waist, and pulled me into a kiss. He smelled so strongly of lilacs that I pulled back quickly._

"_What's wrong?" He'd asked, confused pout staining his features._

"_Why do you smell like you've been rolling in a lilac field?" I asked, one eyebrow raised in question._

_He blushed at this. "I pissed Karin off and she showered me in her perfume. I was gonna take a shower before you got here but…" He trailed off, looking around the kitchen as an indicator to his distraction._

_I laughed and brought him into another kiss. Lilac assaulted my nose, yet this time I was ready for it and I actually found that I liked the smell. Yes, it was a tad too strong, but I liked it all the same and I told him so._

_He laughed, "Well then maybe I should steal Karin's perfume."_

_I joined his laugh, "Maybe."_

The next week he bought himself lilac scented shampoo and soap. I had laughed so hard, I cried. He had never changed it though, and if I think about it, he smelled of lilac when he showed up at my apartment a year ago.

I was on my knees now and sobbing freely, umbrella forgotten on the ground beside me. This was the first time I let the feeling of loss roll over me completely. I had a hole in my chest like a hollow, only bigger, almost enough to swallow me whole. I knew that if Ichigo's last words had not been for me to live, I would have died along with him that night. Hell. I did die with him. I will freely admit that I am a shell of a shell of myself since he died.

All this pain, guilt, and regret verged on me at once and I realized something. What the hell am I doing, living? I knew my life had ended the day Ichigo died because he was my life, my everything. Even after five years of separation, I still loved him enough to know so.

So why the hell am I alive? Because he told me to live? When the hell have I _ever_ listened to Kurosaki Ichigo? _Never._ So why am I know?

I looked up at his gravestone through blurred eyes as my hands felt through my pockets. Once I found what I was looking for, I pulled it out and brought it into my view. It was a slim silver band that seemed to glow in the dark of the night. Another memory took over.

_Chad and Orihime had just left for the airport when the doorbell rang. I figured it was Orihime, having forgotten something so I opened it without looking. On the other side were Kurosaki Isshin and his two daughters. "Um," I stuttered, "Come in." _

_They stepped into the doorway, taking off their shoes before following me to my living room. We sat in silence for a moment until I finally asked, "So what can I do for you?"_

_Ichigo's dad answered with, "We missed you at the funeral."_

"_Oh," I said, "I was-"_

_But Isshin shook his head, "I know. I understand." He then held out a white envelope. I took it to see my name on the front in Ichigo's familiar scribble. I opened it and pulled out a sheet of notebook paper, a letter from him. I quickly unfolded it and read._

_**Uryuu,**_

_**I don't know when I'll get around to giving this to you, or if I ever will, but I feel I need to explain some things to you. **_

_**First off, I love you Uryuu. Maybe more than you'll ever know. These past five years have been hell without you. I left and avoided you after you broke it off because I knew if I even saw you again I would do more damage than not my falling on my hands and knees to beg your forgiveness for whatever I'd done. But then I realized being in the same city as you made me want to seek you out and do just that. So I left. I went to Tokyo University for the next few years, barley passing my classes only thanks to medication I got from the therapist my professors requested I had.**_

_**But none of this is to make you feel bad. I just feel like I should be telling you where I was. Like I'm your husband who's stayed out too late on a Friday. Five years too late.**_

_**The thing is Ishida, that's what I wanna be. A week before you broke up with me I bought this. I spent a week trying to come up with a good plan. And now I've had five freaking years, at least. So in case you haven't already, (And if I know anything about you I know you haven't) tilt the envelope upside down.**_

_As I read the last words, I did as they said. Out of the envelope fell a single silver ring. It was wrapped around another piece of notebook paper. I removed it and began unrolling it, looking to Ichigo's family waiting on the couch. They were watching me with curious faces so I assumed they didn't know what this was about. _

_I turned back to the paper to begin reading again, but the first line caused me to pause, my hands to shake, and tears well up in my eyes._

_**So, Ishida Uryuu, will you marry me?**_

_**Bet ya didn't see that coming. I sure as hell didn't. I had walked into a store, bought a ring, and walked out before I even realized what I was doing. Or maybe I did know but was trying not to think about it cause I knew I would psych myself out. Either way, I'm doing this.**_

_**I love you Uryuu. I want to be with you forever and always. I don't care that this relationship is 'wrong'. I don't think it is. I told my dad and sisters tonight that I love you and that I plan on marrying you whether you like it or not. **_

_**Dad cried. You know him, crying to mom's big ass picture he made about how we're all grown up. Karin claimed she knew it, told me congrats, and went back to playing the video game she was playing before I 'so rudely interrupted her'. Yuzu was beyond excited. She jumped up and down, squealing about how she was so happy for us and how she wanted to know if she could bake the wedding cake. So no pressure right? **_

_**I know your dad's going to flip when he hears this but he's never really been a dad to you anyways, so why should you care? I would have asked him if I wasn't too afraid to receive an arrow up the ass. I mean, we don't even have to tell him right? Not if you don't want too.**_

_**So once again I ask, will you marry me? You'll make me the happiest man on earth, in soul society, and hueco mundo all put together. I love you. I miss you. And I hope we can live together for the rest of our forever.**_

_**Love,**_

_**Ichigo**_

_By the time I finish the letter I can barely read it though my tears. My whole body is shaking from my sobs I'm trying to hold back with my right hand over my mouth. Yuzu had moved over to hug me as I read and Karin put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. _

_When I was finished, the hand holding the letter and the ring hung limp from my knee and my eyes were shut tight from the overflow of tears. My sobs echoed around my house and I could hear Yuzu sniffling back tears too. _

_Isshin spoke up then. "Well, what do you say?" His voice was thick, as if he too were holding back tears._

"_Yes." I choked out. "Oh, god yes." _

_Isshin rushed over and hugged me then, finally releasing tears of his own. Yuzu was openly crying now as well and Karin had tears in her eyes. We stayed together in a group hug, sobbing and holding each other. And though there would be no wedding, I was already accepted into their family._

A week later I legally changed my surname to Kurosaki, and wore the ring around my marriage finger, not the engagement one, and only took it off at work. It was all technically unofficial but it felt as close as it could get. Ichigo's family practically forced me to move in with them, gave me Ichigo's old room, and treated me as one of them. And the weird thing was, in this fucked up time, I was happy.

I was once more pulled out of my thoughts by a shout of, "I found him!" from behind me. I turned to see Karin running towards me with Yuzu not to far behind her and Isshin walking even further behind. I slipped the ring onto my finger and stood, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

Karin stopped a foot or two in front of me and glared as she tried to catch her breath. Yuzu came barreling into me a second later, arms wrapped tightly around my waist. "Why didn't you tell us you were coming here?" Karin questioned, now with her arms crossed over her chest.

"It-" I started, but had to clear my throat, "It was a last minute decision."

Isshin stopped beside his daughter then. "You could have called or texted."

"I," I paused, "I didn't think of that." I had genuinely forgotten there were still people who worried about me, people who cared enough whether I was home late or not.

Yuzu was crying into my side which surprised me. Karin then ran to my other side, wrapping her arms around me and crying as well. Isshin stood and watched for a moment, a damp and unlit cigarette hanging from his lips. "You know, Uryuu," he started, "You're my son now. We need to know where you are. Otherwise, we get worried. You don't have to be alone for this. We're here for you, so use us."

Tears welled up in my eyes all over again and I wrapped my arms around the backs of Karin and Yuzu and squeezed. Looking up at Isshin, my now dad, I thanked him. He came up and enveloped us all in a fatherly bear hug just like he had after I accepted Ichigo's proposal.

And then I realized. I didn't only live for him. I lived for his family too, my family. I may be lonely and miss Ichigo, but I had them and that meant I wasn't completely alone. I'd be the one to take care of Isshin when he got to that old senile age, or at least that more old and senile age. I'd be the one to watch over Karin and Yuzu and kick any guy's ass who even thought of harming them.

I live for Ichigo and I live for our family. And that would be all that mattered for now.


End file.
